


guilt

by softginge



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, Manga Spoilers, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-21
Updated: 2017-04-21
Packaged: 2018-10-22 01:12:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10686726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softginge/pseuds/softginge
Summary: He feels himself getting angry again and reaches out, landing his fist against the wall as hard as he can. It feels good. He turns, landing his opposite fist into the same spot. Again and again he punches the wall, doesn’t even stop when his knuckles are raw and bleeding. The pain makes him focus on something else. Feel something else other than guilt.





	guilt

**Author's Note:**

> just as a warning that if you're an anime only fan that there are MAJOR plot spoilers here. it deals with the aftermath of one of the big moments from some of the more recent chapters. so please just be aware of this when moving forward. this is your warning.

_ Rest. _

That’s the order he’d been given the moment they’d been taken back to HQ. He’d been forced to ride back with Jean. The other had sat behind him to made sure he didn’t fall, arms settled on either side of him as he guided Daisy back to safety. It’d been a silent ride back. No one had spoken, not even in whispers. Given what had transpired Armin wasn’t exactly surprised by this fact. But the silence that surrounded him and Jean had been tense. Like he wanted to say something but didn’t want to break the atmosphere that clung to the group. When they’d gotten back, Armin had been helped down by the brunet but that was the last time he’d seen him. Hanji had whisked him off to look him over, make sure he was doing okay have the long ride back. Commander or not, she was the one with the best medical experience left.

Left. It was such an empty feeling to think of that word. Thinking about the fact that there were only a handful of the Survey Corps still there caused his stomach to sink. A lump formed in his throat she thought about it throughout his entire examination with Hanji. Then she’d sent him to his room. Ordered him to rest.

But he couldn’t.

Resting was something only people with a clear conscious could do. Resting was not for someone who had been chosen over a man who was needed in times such as these. Why had they chosen him? He’d heard it was because Mikasa and Eren had fought with their superiors and he couldn’t help but feel frustrated. He’d made the decision to give his life for the capture of Bertholdt. Told himself if it helped humanity win against whoever their true enemy was — whether it be titans or something else — then it was worth ending everything. While he was there, swinging in the steam that Bertholdt had thrown at him, he’d thought of everything he was giving up. His chance to see the ocean, his family (because Eren and Mikasa  _ were _ family), his friends, Jean…

_ Jean. _

His anger fizzes out as he remembers his boyfriend. He’d seen his face last as he felt the heat rise around him in the steam cloud. His skin had made a sickening bubbling sound the hotter it got. When it began peeling the pain was horrifying. Having it all get pulled from his muscle at the same time was  _ excruciating. _ But imagining Jean’s face had given him peace. A simple memory, of Jean smiling and pressing small kisses to his face the night before the expedition. Making them both promise to come back alive. That’d been the plan but things had been dire. And he’d been so ready to give it all up. Yet here he was. Alive and well. All because of that damn serum. As much as he wanted to be happy to be back, to be able to continue on, he couldn’t. Instead he felt himself starting to get anxious. They were expecting him to be able to fill Erwin’s shoes at least to some capacity. Hanji would take over as Commander, take over the duties that came with it, sure. But there were some things, like the tactical plans and Erwin’s raw intelligence, that Armin would have to make for.

He feels himself getting angry again and reaches out, landing his fist against the wall as hard as he can. It feels good. He turns, landing his opposite fist into the same spot. Again and again he punches the wall, doesn’t even stop when his knuckles are raw and bleeding. The pain makes him focus on something else. Feel something else other than guilt. Just as his arms are starting to shake from a mixture of pain and effort, he feels a hand tighten on his shoulder which causes them to drop to his side. His eyes dart up to look at who is there. Jean’s worried gaze meets his own indifferent one. Damn it. The one person he was hoping to avoid for a little while until he got his head on straight. Gently, he shakes his hand off his shoulder before turning to head to his room. Except either Jean doesn’t get the message or is choosing to ignore it.

As Armin steps into his room and attempts to close the door he’s met with Jean’s foot keeping it propped open.

“Jean, I need to lay down. Commander’s orders.”

“Bullshit, Armin. Zoe gave you the all clear to move around days ago. I read the report.”

“Doesn’t mean I don’t need rest.”

There’s a groan from the other side of the door. For a brief moment Armin thinks perhaps he has won and Jean will leave but when he notices the boot still lodged in his doorway he sighs. Moving to the side, he swings the door open and allows the teen in before closing it and resting his back against it.

The silence that encompasses the room at that point is stifling, almost suffocating. The blond can almost see the cogs working overtime in his boyfriend’s mind as he tries to formulate the right way to put the words together to express his feelings. He doesn’t rush. He knows that things like this are always a problem for Jean. Often in these situations he reverts to yelling because it’s all he knows how to do when he feels frustrated. But he’s gotten better. Over the time that they’d been together the brunet had become far more capable at working through what he wanted to say instead of yelling. It had actually created far fewer fights between him and Eren. At least when they weren’t purposely trying to work each other up for shits and giggles. After so long though Armin feels as if the room is closing in around him and he can’t take it anymore.

“Just spill.”

The words seem to break whatever trance Jean is in as he thinks and he shifts his gaze towards the boy at the door.

“Yell, scream, fucking anything but stay silent. I know you want to so just let it out.”

It’s not often that Armin swears, more by preference than anything else, so when he does it usually strikes something in other people. And it seems to have worked in this instance.

“You want me to let it out? Fine. What the fuck were you thinking out there? And don’t give me that ‘greater good’ crap you’ve been tellin’ everybody else. You could have found another way, I know you. We split up because you were able to find a way to make the situation work. There’s no reason you couldn’t have done something,  _ anything _ , else.”

“Jean ―”

“So why, Armin? Huh? Did you think that letting yourself get burnt to death would make you some sort of hero? That you’d die a martyr of some sort? Give us further fuel against our enemies? You promised me you’d come back safe. Promised. You don’t break promises, so what the fuck happened out there?”

“I didn’t have another choice!”

“The fuck you didn’t! I know―”

“No you don’t know!”

His voice is shaking, hands formed into fists at his sides as he tries to keep his anger under control. This is why he had wanted time to think. Time to process everything.

“You know what you saw from your side of the field. But up on the wall beside Eren? There was no other option than to put myself in that position to make it so we could complete the task. To keep Bertholdt distracted long enough that Eren could cut him out of his titan and we could secure him as a prisoner. And before you say ‘you could think of something else’ one more time, I couldn’t. There wasn’t enough time. Promise or not, I had to make a choice. And hell, even the time I managed to buy didn’t do anything. Instead it killed almost everyone in our branch. There’s like ten of us left, Jean! Had I waited any longer who knows if you’d even be standing here to talk to me about this bullshit.”

The look on Jean’s face tells him that whatever the other had been planning to say has been frozen before he can even get it off his tongue. All the anger Armin has been feeling about everything going on simmers beneath his skin for a moment before he lets out a sigh and reaches up, thin fingers tangling through blond locks.

“I hate this, Jean. Waking up every morning only to have to face everyone left that thinks I should be dead. Having to face Hanji or Levi who can’t even look at me properly. Dreams that plague me of Bertholdt’s memories. Knowing that I have to try and fill Erwin’s place. It’s all just too much.”

His voice cracks slightly near the end and he can feel the tears threatening. He doesn’t notice Jean getting closer until he’s being wrapped in his arms and pulled into his chest. The feeling is so familiar that he sinks against him immediately. His face presses against his shirt, hands moving from his hair to his back to fist in the fabric. It doesn’t take long before the tears spill. Everything he’s been wanting to let out since they returned. It’s stupid, of course, because as a soldier death and sacrifice was part of the job. But this went beyond the normal magnitude. His grip tightens on Jean’s shirt. He doesn’t cry long, doesn’t allow himself to, but it’s long enough to soak through the fabric. He sniffles, moving his hands up to wipe at his eyes as he makes a move to back up.

“S-sorry. That was....you didn’t need to see that.”

The arms around him tighten a little as a hand moves up to gently tilt his face upward. Lips are gentle as they place themselves first against his forehead, then the top of his nose, both cheeks, and finally his lips. It’s only a brief touch, a small moment in time, but it’s enough. Then he’s pulling back, just enough to press their foreheads together.

“I don’t care about seeing it. What I care about is you.”

Jean’s thumb brushes over his cheek clearing away the last of the tears that were there.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because it doesn’t matter. I’m supposed to just push through and pretend nothing is going on. I have to be strong so that no one questions Levi further about his choice.”

“Just because you need to be strong with others, doesn’t mean you need to be with me. I’m here for you. Always. I’m sorry I got upset. I just...when I heard that we’d almost lost you I damn near had a breakdown. I know it wasn’t fair to make you promise to come back, war isn’t like that, but I don’t want to lose you.”

Armin can feel his entire body warm at the words. The earlier anger is finally subsiding completely. How could he forget that he had support? That no matter what, he had at least one person he could turn to no matter what? For the first time in weeks his lips quirk upwards into a small smile. At the sight Jean gives his own before leaning in to press their lips together again. This time last longer, arms tightening around one another as if afraid they’ll disappear if they let go. When they part, the blond lets out a soft laugh before resting his head against his boyfriend’s shoulder.

“I love you, Jean. And...thank you.”

Jean’s hand starts to rub soothing circles into his lower back gently as he presses a kiss to his hair.

“I love you too, ‘min. Anytime. Now, let’s get you into bed. You look seriously tired and need the rest despite what the commander said. I’ll stay with you while you sleep if you want.”

As the brunet moves them backwards, Armin can’t help but smile a little wider, fingers gently gripping onto the jacket beneath them.

“I’d like that...a lot.”


End file.
